Monday, July 20, 2009

If I could have written a blog that day, I would have told you it was a day that changed my life forever. I arrived at the hospice center in Jacksonville, Florida around 4:30 a.m. after a 17 hour drive, sang our song to my daddy so he knew I was there, kissed him good night and slept in the chair right beside him. July 20th, I lost my daddy to Pancreatic Cancer that afternoon. My big, strong, proud, hardworking, God loving, gentle daddy lost his battle with cancer and part of me died with him that afternoon. I was present when he died, holding his hand, telling him it was okay to go and we'd all be okay. But, I was very numb. I cried a little, but it was mostly relief that I felt. No more suffering. No more pain. Now he could finally rest and be at peace. I felt guilty for being relieved but as I've come further from his passing, I think the relief I felt was God's way of letting me know he had control.

I did a lot of research in the months leading up to my daddy's death about the leading causes of cancer in Americans. I wanted to know what caused this aggressive cancer my Daddy fought so bravely. I wanted to know what I could do to keep myself and the rest of my family from suffering as my daddy had done without a complaint and always with a loving heart. Guess what was on the top of that list? Obesity. Guess what my daddy had been for most of his life? Obese. Guess what I was at that time of my life? That's right. Obese. Morbidly obese. I tipped the scales at 326 pounds in the Spring of 2009. On the day of my daddy's death, I weighed 325 pounds. According to the NY Daily News, obesity if the leading cause of cancer among American women. I was a woman, I was obese. I knew if I kept at it the way I was, I would be dead early in life.

I made the decision to have gastric bypass in February 2009. My momma had gastric bypass in August of 2004 and had fantastic success with it. Her whole life changed in a very positive way after her surgery. At the time I decided to have surgery, it had less to do with health and more to do with vanity. To put it very simply, I was sick and tired of being the fat girl. I wore size 26 jeans for crying out loud! Who wants to ONLY be able to buy their clothes online or at Lane Bryant?! When I was a teenager and in college, I struggled with weight a little. There were times I was hot and there were times when I was not. I loved the way I felt when I was "hot." I loved shopping for clothes. I loved going out. I loved taking pictures. I was bubbly, outgoing, goofy... in short, I was the best version of myself. I loved how I was when I was thinner. So much of my self esteem is wrapped up in my body image and how I feel about the way I look. I was unhappy, depressed, insecure and hated how I looked. Yeah, in college, I would gain weight and lose weight, sometimes as much as 50 pounds. But I was never so obese that my health suffered.

I was tired of struggling to breathe after a flight of stairs. I was tired of not being able to tie my shoes. I hated taking pictures. I hated shopping because I hated having to go to Lane Bryant to buy my clothes. I hated going out because I was always the fat friend. I didn't have very many friends because I wasn't confident and didn't want to be the fat friend. I couldn't be the bubbly, silly me because I was afraid I would look stupid. I let my weight control so much of me. Then my daddy got sick. And it was cancer.

My daddy had begun to get sick around Thanksgiving of 2008. He was 270 pounds and full of life when he began to get sick. He wasted away to 110 pounds at the time of his death. I didn't want that kind of death. I didn't want that kind of life. I didn't want to take 2 different blood pressure medications anymore. I didn't want to take medicine for the diabetes and sleep with a mask on my face to keep me breathing at night for the rest of my life. I didn't want to have an enlarged heart because my blood pressure was out of control. I knew I had to take control of my life. I knew I could not be obese any more. I would not be a victim of something I could possibly prevent. Initially it was my vanity that made me want the surgery, but in the end, and on July 20th, 2009, I knew I had to have this surgery to save my own life.

16 days later, August 5th, was another day that changed my life forever... again.